When you least feel like it, ask for peer feedback
A practical "how-to" for getting high quality peer feedback, and tips to overcome resistance
I’m hosting a series of intimate breakfasts for product founders and executives over the next few months (all in central London).
The next one is on Thursday, October 10th, 8.30 - 10.30 am. Find out more and register here.
Anytime I feel a low level of anxiety or uncertainty it’s a sign that I need to get feedback from people around me. I’ve been through the cycle enough times to know that feedback helps take a nagging voice asking “Am I doing a good job here?” into a place of clarity, relief and action.
But in these doubting moments, I often feel a strong sense of resistance to getting feedback. It feels like taking a hit when you’re down. I’m quick to come up with several reasons why I can delay getting feedback: “Maybe I should just focus on working really hard for a few weeks and then ask for feedback” or “It doesn’t seem like the right time. I don’t want to annoy people by asking for feedback when they already seem a bit off with me” or “It’s not a good week, let’s come back to it when I’m feeling a bit more positive about everything”.
But when I push through that resistance and get feedback, I always feel a sense of relief - whether the feedback is positive, negative or a mixture of both. Uncertainty is a big source of anxiety, our brains prefer clear, specific problems that can be tackled than a vague sense that things could be better.
It’s always good to get feedback, but it’s hardest to do when you need it most. Here are a few signs that you might need it more than you think:
You’re feeling a bit “on edge” at work - you’re questioning your decisions and interactions with others
You’re often wondering if you’re doing a good enough job
You’re finding it hard to sleep through the night, without thinking about how you behaved, interacted or presented in the days just gone
You’re not sure if you’re meeting the expectations of your role
The thought of asking for peer feedback from certain people feels deeply uncomfortable
You don’t think you need peer feedback
This post covers both the practical “how-to” side of getting feedback - who to ask, what to ask, how to ask - and how to identify and overcome any resistance. It’s a feedback process that you can start today, and initiate on your own.
There are four sections:
#1 - Who to ask & how to ask
#2 - What to ask, my favourite feedback questions
#3 - Following up with your peers
#4 - Overcoming any resistance
#1 - Who to ask & how to ask
Aside from roles, choose a combination of (i) people you have a strong relationship with and (ii) people where the relationship could be better. People you have a strong relationship with are often the ones who take time, thought and care to support you in sharing both positive and constructive feedback. People you have a less strong relationship with will give you an insight into why.
At a minimum, I’d ask for feedback from: your manager, co-founder(s) if you’re a founder, immediate peers (e.g. engineering, design, data counterparts), and anyone you’re leading a big piece of work with (e.g. someone in ops, legal, finance, science, compliance, other domain expert).
**Note: I’m focusing on peer feedback for this one. Feedback from your direct reports is helpful but not the focus today - you’d want different questions etc.
If you have the opportunity, I’d give a heads-up in person to each peer and share a couple of things:
Make it ok to give you negative feedback: When someone shares tough feedback with you (especially for the first time) they’re taking a risk. There’s a huge downside for them if you respond badly. Let people know you’re expecting negative feedback, and that it’s a sign of trust to you. Share examples of negative feedback you’ve received in the past and how it helped you.
Acknowledge that you’re asking for someone’s time: To get high-quality feedback you need someone to take at least 30 minutes to write down feedback for you. Call this out and let them know that you appreciate it.
#2 - What to ask, my favourite feedback questions
I prefer to send questions via email, as they can often get lost in a Slack conversation. Slack is often used for quick-fire answers, so there’s a danger that you’ll get quick-fire thoughts vs more considered answers.
Here are my favourite questions:
What do you appreciate most about my contribution to the leadership of XYZ?
What do you most appreciate most about our working relationship?
What does it look like when I'm at my best as a leader? What am I doing and what's the impact I'm having? Please use specific examples.
What does it look like when I'm at my worst as a leader? What am I doing and what's the impact it's having? Please use specific examples.
What's one thing that I could start doing to have even more impact in my role?
What’s one thing that I could do to make our working relationship more effective?
Is there anything else you’d like to share?
If there are specific areas you’d like more feedback on, then add more targeted questions. A few examples:
What could be improved about the way that I communicate our vision and strategy?
What’s one thing that could be better in our exec team meetings?
What could be improved about the way that I present our work to the board?
#3 - Following up with your peers
Always close the loop, and show your appreciation. Again I’d do this in person.
A few tips for how to do this:
Appreciate it: say thank you! Especially to the people who have taken a risk and shared negative feedback.
Share back your understanding: In your next 1:1 with them, share in your own words what you took away from it. You don’t have to agree with someone to share back their understanding. This is about acknowledging their perspective.
Share actions: This isn’t about always accepting all feedback at face value. Your action might be to ask a few more people for their perspectives on a topic. When you do take an action, share it with the person who gave you feedback.
#4 - Overcoming any resistance
If you're still not sold on getting feedback, this next section is for you.
I’ll share the top three reasons that I’ve heard (from myself and clients) not to get feedback, and some tips to overcome that initial resistance.
“I don’t feel resilient enough to get feedback right now”
Unfortunately, feeling uncertain about your performance doesn’t tend to go away on its own. You might be able to distract yourself for a while but low-level anxiety tends to hang around until you bring it out in the open - which is what feedback helps you to do.
I’ve had clients ask for feedback, get tough feedback, and still feel calmer than before. Usually, they knew there was something they weren’t nailing, and they felt a huge sense of relief at knowing exactly what it was.
My tip is to allow yourself to delay asking for feedback by days (we all have some of those particularly tough days) but not by weeks. It’s like jumping into cold water, the anticipation is always worse than the reality.
“I am a self-aware person”
Unfortunately, “only 10-15% of people that believe they’re self-aware actually are”.
We all kid ourselves.
Some of my favourite research into self-awareness is done by the wonderful Tasha Eurich, and I find her 4x4 helpful in showing the limitations of self-assessing performance. You can only get to the top left quadrant without feedback.
“It’s not something that people really do in my company”
I get this one. I spent a few months contracting at a company where there wasn’t a strong feedback culture. I got it into my head that it felt a bit “self-important” to ask for detailed feedback when others weren’t doing this.
Ultimately I did some “fear-setting” and asked myself:
What’s the worst-case scenario?
Can I do anything to de-risk that?
What’s the most probable outcome?
What’s the cost of inaction?
It was clear that the cost of doing nothing - feeling constantly uncertain about my performance - was worse than the unlikely situation that someone thought I was being grandiose. I asked for feedback, people gave it to me and as far as I know, no one thought anything of it.
What are you waiting for?
I’ve gone through this process with many clients and every one of them has been glad that they’ve done this.
Clients feel:
A sense of relief - that they’ve gone from feeling stuck in uncertainty to having clarity on that nagging question “Am I doing a good enough job?”. This is true even when the feedback has contained some incredibly tough critical feedback.
Appreciated - There are always some positive affirming pieces of feedback that highlight how much they’re appreciated.
Empowered - Whether they’re big things or small things, clients feel empowered to take action on the areas where they could be doing better.
Which leaves me with…what are you waiting for?
As always, thanks for being here!
Flora
I’m a coach for ambitious product founders and executives. You can read more about how I work and get in touch here.
And one last reminder - I’m hosting a series of intimate breakfasts for product founders and executives over the next few months (all in central London).
The next one is on Thursday, October 10th, 8.30 - 10.30 am. Find out more and register here.